Lessons in Social Calibration

Me:



The Competition:



GUESS WHO WINS?

As some of you know, one of my hobbies is Autoracing. It's a great way to get an adrenaline rush, and also requires a mix of intuitive and intelectual skills to perfect.

In my first season racing, I was awarded "Rookie of the Year" by my local club - one of the most winning groups in the nation, with several legendary National Class Champions in it's ranks. I see a lot of paralells between developing my skills as an Amature racing champion and a guy who's skilled in the social arts. Both took time, hard work, comitment and discipline.

The lesson I'd like to draw today comes from the numerous posts on my racing discussion forum from new guys asking "what are the best tires for my car" or "what are the best brake pads" or exhaust system, or fuel injectors, shocks, etc, etc, etc....

This is similar to the question I get on the social sites and via e-mail about "what is the best method for meeting women?" and "what should I say to a woman when I first meet her?"

Well, as with racing equipment, the truth might surprize you.

The "best" tires are the ones that give the most feedback and grip. The best brake pads are the ones that are easiest to modulate at the limit without lock-up. But when you are starting out, none of that matters until you "fix the nut behind the wheel":

Guys will spend thousands, sometimes tens of thousands of dollars on high end sports cars and modifications, but NOTHING on real world practice and training. The only way to get good at autoracing is GO OUT AND RACE. Go to racing schools - and learn from guys that are at the top of thier game.

(You won't get good playing GT4 either...just like on-line dating is NOT true socializing)

I was like the others - I spent thousands on my car before taking a driving school. The modifications cut maybe 1 second from my lap times.

The school? 5 seconds, and it only cost me a couple of hundred dollars.

Likewise, if you can spend time with someone who is well calibrated socially, your improvement will be much more rapid than if you try to figure it out yourself. I used to let National Champions drive my car to see what it was capable of. After riding with them, my lap times would improve dramatically, because my self limiting beliefs would be challenged:

"I didn't know my car could do THAT!!!" I'd say, then promptly go out and match or even beat the times they had set.

So when socializing in mixed groups,It's important to calibrate to the people, the venue, and the particular circumstances you find yourself in - and not worry too much about the particular topic you introduce or method you employ.

...put another way, it's not what you say, it's HOW you say it. Pay attention to the feedback the people are giving you - the same way a racer adjusts to the particular car and race conditions.

The best guys adapt to changing conditions with ease, and are able to read situations quickly and intuitively - this is analgous to brake and throttle modulation in racing - you must develop a feel for the balance of the car and it's acceleration, weight transfer, and braking characterists if you ever hope to drive it quickly around a course.

(Yes - we race in the rain!)

To prove this to beginers when I teach auto racing, I'll often hop in thier cars, cars that they claim are "horrible" and turn in lap times 10 seconds faster than them in a sport where Championships are often decided by 1000ths of a second.

It's not the car that's the problem, its the driver.

Likewise, guys will complain to me in social settings that they are not rich, or good looking, are too old, or that there are too many guys in the venue for them to suceessfull socialize with the women there.

(Guess which car was faster in the rain - This 300hp Subaru WRX STI AWD):

.....Or my little 160 HP Honda Civic SI - FWD?

(I was faster this day...and I can prove it!)

Well, I'm 44, 5'9", balding, and have uneven front teeth from some bad bridgework. I'm not especially good looking:

So when I'm with a guy who is negative like this, I'll prove to him that the only thing that REALLY matters is your ATTITUDE in social settings. Mine is one of playfullness, openess, and accepatance of everyone. This sets the venue on fire, and as I ineract positively with people, my social proof grows, and soon, me and my group become the center of fun.

Below is another competitor who I used to beat on occassion - and he was a hair's breath away from a National Championship a few years back....

So stop worrying about finding that "one perfect routine". Just get out and start talking to people - men and women, and paying attention to how they react to you and the larger social setting. Focus on fun and leading the interaction with just a hint of sexual subtext, and you will have no trouble dating even the most beautiful women, no matter what you look like, how old you are, or what you own.

Oh, and just so you know, I regularly beat that red Camaro above in the local "Outlaw" class with my Civic SI. So don't ever think it's about your looks - it's about your SKILL.

Developing good social skills is like supercharging your car - you will SMOKE the so called competition when it comes to dating.

(...and Hawk HPS are my favorite autocross brake pads for the Honda Civic....)

=)